I Know Exactly How I Got Here

Yesterday, fifteen years ago,
a lifetime past,
I felt safe.
comfort embraced me as
a lover,
lulled me into stupidity
rocked me gently to sleep
and fluffed my heart to
full.

Yesterday, a thousand years ago,
love crept to my window sill
threw a leg over, turned, and
smugly called me fool for
believing.

Yesterday, ten years ago,
(I lied when I said a thousand)
love turned to gaze at me,
found me unworthy and
walked away, jingling pocket
change and stopped to check
it's teeth in the scrolled foyer
mirror.

Yesterday, ten (or so) years ago
love dug a filthy claw at my chest
pushed hard, and bled me out
chuckling at my forever naivete.

Yesterday, that obscene liar,
(love), commanded my tears to
stop, snaked a clever hand
into my pocket, picked it clean
casually crumpled my life, stuffed
it in a cool dude leather jacket,
settled into a big new shiny car
and sped away.

Yesterday, (so long ago) that hellspawn, love, put cat food on my table as it glided smoothly to Daddy's six million dollar mansion, telephoned me with tinny voice
so I could hear as my crumpled life tumbled
down the incinerator.

Yesterday, so long past, I believed in love.
Today? You need ask?

Show Me

Show me
that
You love me.

Allow me
to
Have feelings.

Tell me
a
Truth or two.

Treat me
with
Dignity and respect.

Honor me
by
Withholding arrogance.

Meet me
without
Melodrama and hysterics.

Help me
believe
I am no mirror.

Show me
that
You are real.

Show me
that
I imagine

  your rage
  your darkness
  your apathy
  your need
  your construct

Show me
that
My fear

  of destruction
  of narcissism
  of isolation
  of you

Is only
my
Fear of change.

 

How Things Turn Out

My mistakes are legion.
I tell anyone who will listen that 
Life is a series of choices.
Somehow I manage not to apply 
This (sage wisdom) to myself.

That ubiquitous they point to
A screaming gut; intuition they say,
As a grand listening point.
I ask: why is it my gut made no fuss
...'til now?

Love is blind, they say. 
Maybe they speak of infatuation?
I choose to believe"they" are confused 
Because now I supposedly love and
If this is love I don't like it.

My gut (intuition?) is screaming like 
A spirit trapped on the wrong side of heaven.
I'm told I should feel happy to leave all
My familiarity behind; watch my life's credits
Rolling up my screen; too fast to read. 

What is love? What is happy? 
My screaming gut doesn't enunciate well
But sometimes, when it's breathless 
And can only moan, I think I hear it say
"Sometimes love and happy are friends..."

I've never felt happy, so maybe, despite 
The love word, I have never loved? 
I think there is truth in there.
Yet...

Here I am, leaving my familiars;
Leaving me again.
This time my gut screamed and
I listened. I simply chose not to
Heed. 

This time I'm smart enough to be
Very afraid.